I’m listening and learning to Black leaders. One gem I found recently is this:
Angela Davis(told a crowd at UPenn in 2010)
“Activists in America in the late 1960s were saying,
“Power to the People!”
while activists in France were saying,
“Power to the Imagination!”
It’s so important to use our imaginations to create the future we want for our children.
Watch this 3 min video clip from Angela Davis: How Does Change Happen?
Dear Susie,
What if I don’t want to go back to my old reality? I used to run around so fast I had bugs in my teeth. It feels good to slow down. To have breakfast with my kids. To spend more time on relationships and deep work. To spend less time in airports and reacting to coworkers. I feel guilty saying this when so many don’t even have jobs. But I like the quiet. I don’t miss the noise, the commute, or all the travel. I have time now to exercise because I am not sitting in traffic. As tough as it has been working from home, homeschooling, AND trying to stay healthy, I am scared of going back to the pace of life before we had to shelter-in-place. Plus, I haven’t cleaned out my closets yet. I’m not ready!
What can I do?
Signed,
Woman formerly known as “Bugs-in-my-Teeth”
***
Dear Woman formerly known as “Bugs-in-my-Teeth,”
Whenever the shelter-in-place is relaxed, you don’t have to rush back to your old reality. There is no guard at your door saying you must act exactly as you did before.
That would be a real loss. If we all did that, none of us would integrate the lessons we’ve learned about what’s important. About what matters. About the value of reflection. Or about how creative we are. Or about how strong we can be when we emphasize solidarity, health, and wellness.
This is a time to create a new reality. You are right. We are privileged if we still have jobs. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be grateful and innovative at the same time. This is an opportunity to transform the way we live and work together.
Some questions I have:
Here are three ways that may help you to imagine creating a new reality instead of having to go back to the status quo.
3 ways to create a new reality: (Start now. Don’t wait for your governor to give new orders!)
Get in your calendar and block off time for exercise, deep work and also for what restores you. Take control of your time and don’t let others schedule meetings for you in those times.
Use existing forums or create one where people can anonymously share learnings from sheltering in place. Let people freely express new ideas about how to work smarter, not harder. Do people want to telecommute more, have shorter meetings, limit travel, and make space for research and innovation?
If you had to drop some obligations lately, don’t rush to revive them. We want to say yes to everything, but it has a cost. Be the voice that respectfully says “No” to projects that impact your wellbeing or hurt your relationships. Be brave and challenge the old reality’s tendency to add, add, add to everyone’s plates in favor of a new reality that encourages deep work, reflection, efficiency, and effectiveness.
I also imagine that you feel more connected to some of your coworkers now than before because you are checking in on each other’s safety and health more often. We are seeing one another as human beings now in our messy living spaces, with our toddlers and pets interrupting video calls. It’s a reminder of how little we knew about one another before this crisis, and how much we tried to hide. But no need anymore! Work can bring out our best selves, if we felt free to show up real.
One of the simplest and most important things you can do as a leader is to show up whole and human, and encourage others to do the same. It may feel small, but it’s a radical act. You can do the following 1-minute activity on video calls, beginning now. Ask, “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being terrible, 10 being amazing, how are you doing right now?” Have everyone throw fingers at the same time so you can get a sense of who is a 3 and who is an 8. Encourage everyone to check in later with those who may need a listening ear or a helping hand.
Every day, devote space to what matters to you most. Next, be genuinely interested in your colleagues as people. If we all resist returning to an unsustainable pace, we can create a new reality that feels whole and balanced. And you won’t need to clean out your closets because you’ll need less stuff to feel happy!
Love,
Susie
***
photo credit: Tracy Kahn/Corbis
Today I discovered how freeing it can be to write down all the ways in which I do not have to be good. These are stressful times and yet we don’t give ourselves permission to do less without feeling guilty.
We imagine that everyone else is productive and creative and bringing healthcare workers meals and saving deportees at the border. We think we are the only ones who are struggling to get dressed or have a shower.
But tense times make it difficult to motivate. And If you are a well-meaning person who wants to make an impact in the world, you are probably beating yourself up right now because there are people with much more difficult problems than yours.
Stop it. Give yourself a little self-compassion. Then join me in a little game that writing geeks like to play.
It’s called “extend a line.”
Here’s how you play: Use the first line of Mary Oliver’s famous poem “Wild Geese” which is “You do not have to be good…” and extend it with your own words.
Imagine you are writing a gigantic permission form to yourself and you want to list all the ways you do not have to be good. Lower the bar. You do not always have to be a self-improvement project.
Here’s my attempt at extending the first line of “Wild Geese.” *Thanks to Adrie Kusserow for the idea!
Wild Geese in the Time of Corona
(by Susie Rinehart, with deep apologies to Mary Oliver)
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk
on your knees through your Clorox-wiped floors, repenting.
You do not have to be good at sheltering in place.
You do not have to be good at sewing masks.
You do not have to be productive.
You do not have to wear pants.
You do not have to feel shame for losing your cool.
You do not have to pick up the laundry you threw out the window,
or the iPad.
You do not have to keep your voice down.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours. And I will tell you mine…
–Read the whole, real poem here.
When I was done, I laughed out loud. I felt free of the loud inner critic. I felt light. I felt connected to all of you who might be going a wee bit mad. There is power in celebrating who we are rather than who we strive to be.
Love,
Susie
***
Want to join The Resilience Journals? It’s a 30-Day Journaling Challenge you can start anytime, for free. And unsubscribe anytime. Sign up here.
Starting April 1, I’m running a 30-day journaling challenge that I’m calling The Resilience Journals. I am doing this because I am used to being in isolation. I had to separate myself after major surgery, and after chemo and radiation.
What sustained me then and now is keeping a journal. Any act of creativity works, but journaling is simple, and doesn’t require a lot of space or time.
Journaling untangles my knots. It wakes me up to beauty.
I don’t know how it works; it just does.
I know a lot of you journal already. Some of you began your first journal in my English class when you were sixteen. I say we rediscover the practice. I want to invite you ALL to join me for the month of April.
Let’s do something creative together, while apart.
It’s an antidote to fear. And a ladder to clarity.
Turns out that this idea of a 30-day journal challenge is not mine alone. In a case of simultaneous discovery, one of my heroes (and a cancer survivor), Suleika Jaoud is also doing a 30-day journaling challenge. The reason I’m so late to launch this idea is that when I found out that she was doing it, I hesitated. I let my idea wilt. But today I realized that the brave over perfect move is to keep going. I can build a mini revolution WITH her by doing a challenge with you. It will be one steeped in creativity, and in resilience and resistance journaling!
Here’s how it works: 1-11 minutes of free-writing each morning. No rules. It starts today.
I’ll give you 7 prompts each week by email. Here’s the link to sign up to receive for FREE daily journal prompts!
I’ll also be posting prompts each day on Instagram (@susierinehart) and Facebook (Susie Rinehart Home of the Brave)
You do not need to share what you write. But send me pictures of your journal or anything you feel ready to share. I would also love it if you passed the idea forward and invited others to join. They’ll need to sign up for my newsletter at www.susierinehart.com to receive the prompts, or they can follow me on instagram (@susierinehart) or on Facebook: Susie Rinehart, Home of the Brave.
In creative solidarity, let’s write!
Love,
Susie
***
Here’s the link to sign up to receive for FREE daily journal prompts!
WHEN WILL THIS END? This is the question everyone is asking in light of the new CDC guidelines on the coronavirus pandemic lasting at least eight weeks.
“Remember a flattened curve is longer. So the longer this takes, oddly, is a sign of success,” writes Juliette Kayyem, Harvard professor of international security, safety and resiliency.
We have to imagine that this is going to take a long, long time.
The sooner we can accept our reality as the new normal rather than try to get back to the way things were, the more likely we are to thrive.
“When you are in the life raft, it doesn’t help to wonder when you’re going to get back on the ship,” says my husband Kurt. “What helps is to look around the raft, see what you have, and get to work paddling.” (He adds: “You don’t want to be the one not paddling. You want to say to the people who are pointing out the sharks in the water, “I know there are sharks. Nevertheless, we must keep paddling.”)
To put it another way, if we focus on our new reality and take stock of what we have instead of what we don’t, we adapt quicker, and thrive faster, too.
As a cancer survivor, I have had to learn how to adjust to a new reality the hard way. When I was diagnosed in 2016 with a rare, skull-base tumor, my world came to a grinding halt. I had to quit my job, stop competing in ultramarathons, talk to my children about terminal illness, and cancel all plans for the future.
At first, we talked about “beating” this aggressive cancer. I would need skull surgery and a neck fusion, plus chemotherapy and radiation. Kurt and I wanted to fight it until it was behind us. The goal was to overcome this major obstacle and get back to our normal lives again.
The goal was motivating at first, but not for long. Soon it was frustrating. Every day that I wasn’t at work because I had to do treatments was a setback. Every morning that I wasn’t out training for a race felt like I was falling behind. The problem was my focus was on the past.
What cancer survivors know is that you can’t ever go back to the way things were before. The key to happiness in a new reality is to look forward, not back.
So we shifted our objective to face forward. The new goal was to accept my diagnosis and create an even better life than before. It didn’t do me any good to wonder when I would return to my life as a competitive ultrarunner, for example.
What felt good was stepping out of the victim chair and onto the creator stage. What helped was to ask, What can I make in this new universe? How can I help others?
I created tools and habits that make it easier for me to focus on my new reality instead of dwelling on the loss of my old reality. You can read about 5 of my favorite tools for facing the unknown here.
I’ve even changed how I wake up. In the past I used to mentally run through my “to-do” list. Now I run through my “grateful-for” list while still in bed. Sometimes I can only think of one thing. Next I ask, What good can I do today? I think of one small gesture like checking in on a neighbor after breakfast. Before getting out of bed, I give my husband a kiss.
I’m learning how to make home in my new life. I can count on two hands what I cannot do, or I can write ten pages of what I still can do. I choose to focus on what I can do. I do my 11-minute Face Fear First meditation, then I move into action mode. Or as my husband Kurt says, “I get to work paddling.”
In this new life, I am not the person I used to be. I am much happier. This is not what I expected when the doctors gave me that scary diagnosis. A big part of the joy I feel comes from accepting my current situation and focusing on the new reality.
I hear stories every day of how people around the world are doing this. Friends are gathering online for Tea Time or Happy Hour. Companies are shifting how they show up for their customers. Others are making Art and music. The Berkeley Music Circus is inviting us to step outside our door Wednesdays at noon to collectively sing and play any old instrument.
It is possible to pivot and find peace during this pandemic. If I wake up afraid in the middle of the night, I use my SAFE tool, and go back to sleep. The world needs us to be fierce enough to see challenges as opportunities and to choose joy over fear.
Maybe the question to help us through the coronavirus pandemic isn’t “When will this end, so I can get back to real life? But “We don’t know when this will end, so how can I make a real life in this?”
Love,
Susie
***
photo credit: W+K Portland
Where is there room for brave over perfect and joy over fear in a pandemic?
To get through this, we need to get serious about two things: containing the disease and containing our fear about the disease.
If we can learn to be more comfortable in the unknown and master the skill of managing our fears and our expectations, we can make decisions easier, pivot faster, and feel calmer.
Happiness “doesn’t depend on how things are going,” says neuroscientist Robb Rutledge of University College London. “It depends on whether things are going better or worse than you had expected they would.” (source: The Atlantic, 2014.)
I thought I’d share 5 of the tools that have been working for me to continually recover from fear and find peace in uncertainty, in case they are helpful to you, too. There are so many more tools I use, but I chose these because they seem particularly relevant to the pandemic and its impact on us and our kids.
The only authority I have that these practices work is my experience. Right now that includes being immunosuppressed during a pandemic, living away from my family, having a rare form of cancer in my spine, undergoing chemotherapy, receiving radiation treatments, and not knowing if they are working until inflammation subsides and they scan me in…July.
I’ve been forced to get smarter about how I cope with rapidly changing, frightening times. I want to share with you what I’ve learned, so you don’t have to go through the above to learn these tools on your own. The brave over perfect, joy over fear revolution is about eliminating unnecessary suffering caused by our thoughts. It is also about helping us and our children get beyond disappointment and into creative, problem-solving mode quickly.
These tools help me to remember that I am not in control. Then I focus on the one thing I can have some control over: how I choose to respond to disappointment and uncertainty.
I choose to respond by being brave enough to continually return to the present moment where I am safe, where I am resilient, where I trust I’ll make good decisions by collecting smart people all around me. And I know you will too.
Love,
Susie
***
An ode to girlfriends after a weekend with these beauties. I met Natasha as a toddler, then in 1983, we both met Teza, Alli, and Jill (not pictured) in middle school. We were twelve-year-old girls who didn’t yet know the words, “You can’t do that.” We have been there for each other ever since, making sure we never believe those words.
We were there when braces came off, when hearts were broken, when friends died, when others moved away. We were there, on the end of the phone line, to get the call that said, “I’m pregnant” and the call that said, “I lost the baby.” Now we are there for the ones that say “I’m scared!” and the ones that say, “I did it!”
We’ll call to talk about raising children. We wonder if our kids will grow to be kind, to know their worth, to fight for truth and love over all else. We brainstorm ways to manage screens and anxiety. We used to cry about how tough it was to never have alone time, to always be needed by little hands. Now we sigh that we’re no longer needed. We call for advice on how to grow our universe beyond our children and how to leap confidently into the next stage of life. The answer seems to be more girlfriends! Connect deeply right where we live. Having great girlfriends means that we never face a challenge alone.
We celebrate each other’s birthdays and accomplishments with wine, sometimes tequila. And we always make space for delicious food and adventure. Natasha, Teza, Alli, Jill, and I live in five different places, two different countries, and yet we rally for one another, take three flights just to be there in hard times and in good.
Our adventures together include nature and wildness. For years, as teenagers, when life felt too hemmed in, too sharp, too busy, we strapped a canoe to the top of the car and went calmly wild into the woods and waters. Over the years, we’ve gone kite-flying in Guatemala, sea-kayaking in Mexico, and surfing in the rain in British Columbia. During this recent reunion, we drove through winter weather to the ocean to watch the tides ebb and flow. Then we went on a midnight, ninja-like expedition to find firewood. Each time we set out into the unknown, Natasha drives, I navigate, Teza produces the adventure, and Alli is our safety and wellbeing advisor.
This weekend, during my treatments for a rare form of cancer, this group of warrior women came to cook for me, rub my feet, and say, “You’re stronger than you know.” With them at my side, I feel it. I always have.
My girlfriends are my secret superpower, my very own justice league. The way I overcome is because we overcome together.
***
A few nights ago, I woke up at 3 a.m., convinced that the sciatic pain in my left leg meant I wouldn’t be able to walk the next day. It was not a real threat. But I couldn’t get back to sleep.
Why not get up and test my hypothesis? Well, it was freezing outside of my covers. And what if I tested it and found out I was right? That would be terrible. MUCH better to stay here, lose sleep, and spin in fear.
Wait! I have tools to deal with fear. I’ve been developing and improving them ever since my diagnosis in 2016. I gave one tool the acronym SAFE so I could remember it even when I’m half asleep.
I want to share this tool SAFE with you in case you might be a wee bit afraid these days about your health or the safety of the planet or the safety of democracy or all three (like me).
This tool is different than other relaxation or distraction methods. It actually gets me beyond my fear by going through it.
Our culture teaches us to avoid discomfort or distract ourselves from sadness, pain, and fear. But what if those aren’t “bad” feelings? What if we need them to connect to one another? What if understanding our own sorrow is a way to empathize with others and act with compassion?
What if we walked toward fear with gentle skill, instead of pushing it away?
We cannot control pain and what happens to us. But we can control our suffering by using SAFE as a tool so that we can calmly go back to sleep and wake up with more energy to tackle our challenges.
It begins with understanding the difference between pain and suffering.
Pain is caused by circumstance. It’s the broken bone, broken home, or the broken heart. It’s the climate crisis or the political divisiveness. It’s an angry sciatic nerve. It’s also the human experience of feeling sick or lonely.
Suffering is caused by our fear-filled thoughts. It’s what we pile on top of pain with our stories about the end of the world, the end of life, or our unworthiness. It’s the voice of Fear that says, “This is bad. This will get worse. I am not doing enough to make it better. I am not enough.”
When we believe that our scared thoughts are real, we can get caught in fight, flight, or freeze mode. The danger response comes from the Amygdala, the oldest part of our brain. It cannot tell the difference between a perceived threat and a real one. It sounds the alarm anyway. And the thought that set off the alarm in the first place doesn’t respond to us wishing it away or shouting at it to leave.
What helps is to name the voice of fear. I simply call my doomsday voice, “Fear” with a capital F. I picture her as a fancy woman in stiletto heels. She carries a red pen to cross out everything I write. Lately, I call the voice “Bo” as in “Bo-ring” because fear is universal. It is the most unoriginal thing about me.
By naming our fear, we separate it from ourselves. “Got it, Bo. You think I won’t be able to walk tomorrow.” This simple step activates the more highly-evolved parts of our brain and we can shift into a calmer, more effective state of being.
What I’ve learned through my diagnosis and from listening to your stories of pain and resilience, is that we are not fragile. We can handle far more than we think.
What makes us suffer is the thought that we are not safe.
How can we let go of that thought?
We don’t. We remember SAFE, and we practice the tool until the thought dissipates. It’s as if Fear gives up and lets go of us.
There are four simple steps to this process I call SAFE. The first time, it takes 5-10 minutes. With practice, it takes less than 1 minute. The wisdom in SAFE comes from Kristen Neff’s work on Self-Compassion, Byron Katie’s “The Work”, the latest brain research, and one of the oldest Tibetan prayers. I am grateful for their guidance.
SAFE is:
Stop: Pause. Notice that you are suffering. And notice that right now, you are safe. Take a deep breath, hold it, count down from 5-4-3-2-1 then release it. Do this as many times as you need. Call your fear by name. Be gentle. Say, “Bo, I am safe. This sounds like fear, not truth.”
Ask: Question the thought. Challenge it. Is it really true? Is it guaranteed that I won’t walk tomorrow? Is it possible that I’m inflating this? What would a wise, rational friend say right now? Can I listen to that voice instead of Fear’s voice? Notice that the goal here is to engage with Fear by asking questions and coming up with alternative thoughts instead of just believing the one you’re stuck on.
Feel: Drop into your body and wiggle your toes. Find a part of your body that feels calm. Thank it. Then find another one. Thank it. Gratitude is a balm that soothes an overactive Amygdala. If your body is still in panic mode, go back to S for Stop and breathe. During the “Feel” step, the important thing is to drop out of your head and to focus on your body and the other 98% of you that is functioning beautifully and wants to sleep right now.
Empathize: Imagine someone you care about being awake at this hour, worried about leg pain, or ruining an important assignment, or their own lovability and worthiness. How would you treat them? Would you yell at them to get over it? Try treating yourself as gently as you would treat a person you care deeply about who is suffering. Then repeat this Tibetan Loving Kindness prayer for you and for as many others as you can imagine. Say: “May you be well. May you be happy. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering.”
When you wake up, write down the scary thought or send it in a text to a friend. Something about writing it down loosens its grip on you even more. You’re not as likely to carry it around with you all day. I have a lot more to say about how writing can ease suffering. If you’re interested, let me know, and I’ll tell you more.
Look. There are plenty of reasons to feel scared right now. But the world doesn’t need us to spin in our thoughts and suffer. The world needs us to sleep and find some ease so we can tap into our powerful self and face challenges from that place. We are so much stronger than we know.
Love,
Susie
P.S.) I am walking just fine. The sciatic nerve pain is even improving thanks to another mind-body tool I discovered. I’ll tell you more about it soon.
Photo credit: Piqsels/Storrelse
****
Here’s to the 10 brilliant, brave women who came to reset and refresh in my home this January. We found calm in the midst of chaos, uncovered what we desire, learned to say No, and wrote a letter to Fear so it can’t derail our clear vision in 2020.
My chair broke as I was explaining how to let go of things we cannot control! #braveoverperfect
If you want to write your own letter to Fear, here’s one way to begin: Dear Fear, Thank you for trying to keep me safe. But in 2020, here is what I need to say to you…
When you’re done, put one line from that letter on a sticky note and keep it where you can see it.
Talk kindly back to Fear as often as possible and you will break through any obstacle in 2020!
Love, Susie
Have you ever noticed that we get to the end of a year and immediately race ahead to the next year, making goals and adding things to our plate? Our culture is hooked on New Year’s resolutions and improving ourselves. So we have to help each other Pause. Reflect. and Celebrate. Let’s focus on Look how far we’ve come, rather than Look how much we haven’t gotten done! Remember: we can’t keep adding goals without letting go of things that aren’t working for us, first.
That’s why we’ve started a new tradition among our family and friends. It’s called, Let ‘Em Burn.
On New Year’s Eve, we each write down three specific habits of mind that we want to leave behind us. Things like the fear that I’m not doing enough, the fear that everyone is getting ahead and I’m way behind, and the fear that it’s too late to change directions now. The kids write things like the fear that I’m too awkward, the fear that I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, and the fear that Mom will make me read these out loud. (I don’t.) Then we burn the paper. The kids get their pyro fix and I get in a lot of trouble with the fire department.
We do this because we place so many limitations on ourselves. And in my personal experience, we are capable of far more than we think. The other side of fear is freedom and joy.
The thing is, we can’t just burn fears and make them go away. What we can do when we burn them is loosen their grip on us. This works because of these three steps:
1) Identify and name them all as “Fear” or “Chucky” or any name that works for you. It’s amazing how writing down what Fear actually says is all it takes to realize that it’s not true or even based on fact. We can then choose to listen and believe those words, or not.
2) Talk back to Fear. Thank it for trying to protect us. It doesn’t work to yell at Fear to Go Away! Try using a reassuring tone with genuine gratitude; it works to calm Fear down. The voice stops being so loud and frightening. It never goes away, but it’s not so bad.
3) Move forward anyway. There’s no such thing as being completely ready. Feel the Fear then choose to be brave and take one tiny step forward. Then another. Then another. We can cover a lot of treacherous ground that way. And we are better for it. Or at least a lot more interesting.
So. Pause. Reflect. Celebrate. Then strike a match and Let “Em Burn!
There is strength in talking back to Fear.
There is power in letting go.
And there is joy in choosing to be brave over perfect.
Happy 2020 brave ones!
Love,
Susie
***
I’m baaack coaching and speaking again! I’d love to help you thrive and burn off the limitations holding you back in life. I’ve also crafted a 45-min keynote on how people and organizations can thrive in turbulent times. Do you know an organization or conference that needs this message? Get in touch with me.
